This entire episode was made of PURE WIN. But because I don't want to die, I'm sticking strictly to the House/Wilson. (Sorry, Chase ;_;) And every single line was so brilliant and witty, so forgive me for skipping something awesome.



Right to the good stuff, then.


"Drop your pants."
"I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that."


I am happy to say, this is not the last time we see House bent over in this episode.


"Is that doctor I coughed on okay?"


No. But then again, it has nothing to do with you. XD


House's thought process: "What the hell? Not agai---*thud*"




This is pretty much exactly what I wanted to happen. Except it's better.







WILSON!!!1! :D (And his adorable gray hairs are back, yay.)


LOL.
"I am not doing this because I care."


THIS.
THIS THIS THIS. EPIC GAY.


HE WAKES UP AND SMILES AT WILSON DESPITE COLLAPSING AT SEEMINGLY RANDOM AFTER BEING DRUGGED.


IT'S LIKE WHEN AMBER WOKE UP AND SMILED AT WILSON EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS HOOKED UP TO FIVE MILLION WIRES BUT DIDN'T CARE.


IT'S LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE.


All is right in House's world. And mine.


House remembers that Wilson is the one in charge. Of EVERYONE.


"My mom didn't call Cuddy..."


"She called you!" Durr.


"I knew you couldn't stay away. I knew you loved me too much!"
WIN.


"I'm doing this for your mom." Married.



Now for an obscene amount of Wilson to make up for last week.


"You took my Vicodin!?"
Wilson does not respond. And somehow manages to make me LOL so hard.


"I'm in pain!"
Wilson doles out one pill, emotionlessly. LOLOLOLOL.




"So the Vicodin is my leash?" Yeah, not as sexy as handcuffs, I know.
(And, wow, this picture looks.....yeah.)




Cue "Mmbop" by the horrible girlboyband, Hanson.
WHY? WHY ARE HOUSE'S RINGTONES SO...FLAMING?


Wilson would also like the answer to that one.



First the Vicodin, now the phone. What else does Wilson have in there? (Condoms?)



LOL. House's death glare, because Wilson won't let him have the phone.


"My ring tone for you is 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA."
HOUSE CALLED WILSON A QUEEN. IT'S FUNNY 'CAUSE IT'S TRUE.



Let's see, how many ways can House get on Wilson's nerves?


Wilson wants House to pee in a bottle.
...God, that sounds so wrong.



"I'll just pee on the floor." Very funny, House...


"You bought used floor mats? That is brilliant."
He knew House would pee on the floor? .........Come on, you're wondering about what past experience helped him figure that out, too. XD



O. M. G. HE'S UNZIPPING. IN WILSON'S CAR.


"There's a rest stop in five miles." This is going to be a long trip, isn't it?
House zips back up like a good boy.


Either Wilson's being chivalrous, or he child-locked House into the car...







I know, your life is so hard, House. Having a hot chaffeur...


"Cane."


REJECTED.


"I suppose I could tell you about the summer he decided he wasn't speaking to me..."


Please...don't.







"Give me my cane, and I'll go to the damn funeral."




Here's another one for the "House is looking at Wilson's ass" archives.


You're going to regret this in about two seconds, Wilson...




Wilson has junk in the trunk.
(I know, too easy.)


Whenever the cane's involved...the scene turns into some Freudian metaphor.



The calm before the storm...


I KNEW THIS WOULD END IN TEARS.



...


I...I hate you. So much.


LET'S ALL LAUGH AT WILSON'S PAIN.



..............sorry, my mind went blank. Legs. *_*


He's so pathetic. I love it.


"You actually keep a flashlight that doesn't need batteries in the trunk...next to the jacket, emergency water, nail clippers, toothbrush, space blanket." Wow.




"When things go wrong, I like to be ready."
................SO THAT'S YES ABOUT THE CONDOMS?



And so he kneels before House, offering up his flashlight.
....God, I hope that flashlight is metaphorical for something much dirtier.




Uh oh...




House is officially more annoying than Curious George.



RANDOM, but...doesn't this shot kind of look like an ad for, er, generic cola?


"Amber gave me that key-chain."
"No she didn't. Not unless your nickname for her was 'Volvo.'"
....Please tell me I'm not the only one who thinks "vulva" every time I see "Volvo."


Wilson is well-prepared.





That's right. He has another flashlight. Wow.


As Wilson winds up the flashlight, I wonder...why do I see perverted metaphors everywhere?


"A guy who would lie about a gift from a dead girlfriend..."
"Is probably responding to a childish, pointless act of petulance."




"The struggle to escape one's captors is never pointless. Viva la resistance."
"Well, I hate to break it to you, Che..."
THIS IS WHY I LOVE THEIR CONVERSATIONS.






"Blah blah blah my father was a dick blah..."




"Come on, forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We'll go inside and play 'guess that smell' with the truckers while we wait."
Hugh, dear. You running around calling House and Wilson married, saying they can't live without each other, and playing House's invitations to Wilson flirtatiously just encourages us fanirls.


"Join me on the dark side." BE MY QUEEN!


"Dark side's done, House"


"I'm delivering you to your mother, and that's it." No break-up sex?


"I've moved on." Aw T_T
I need to go back to TV Tropes, because I swear this episode alone used about fifty trillion romance tropes.





Emo House is emo.


"So he was a bastard, he was still your father." How touching, Wilson.


"You're biologically programmed to have feelings for him."
"No I'm not."


"Feelings aren't rational. I know you have trouble with anything that can't be quantified..." Wilson. Your tone here. It does not indicate I Do Not Care About You.



"He's not my biological father."


WHAT WHAT WHAT.



"I figured it out when I was twelve."


"Of course." LOL, Wilson doesn't believe you, House. Then again, I didn't either XD



As House lists off the reasons, I have the urge to rewatch Son of a Coma Guy, Daddy's Boy, and Paternity.


Wilson goes on a rant, which House tuned out ten minutes ago in favor of getting Wilson a speeding ticket.


The facial expressions. And the yelling. And fighting. Me happy.




"You lost track of your speed? I think that was Hitler's excuse. Lost track of the Jews."



"I'm not playing, House." This made me smile too much :D


And this: "You are going to this funeral."


"Make it fast. I don't want to miss the anal cavity search." As he leers at Wilson.


That's right, Wilson, bat your pretty eyelashes at him.


"Just get out of the car, sir."
Okay, so much for that plan.


I'm having flashbacks to those "Tritter rapes everyone" stories...



"I'm obviously joking. Do you really think I'd carry out a differential if Wilson were getting handcuffed on the hood of his car?" .......EPIC GAY HIDING IN EVERY CORNER.



Help me.


Oh dear...


House gets bent over the second time in this episode.


"James Evan Wilson."
Oh, TPTB, you made so many fans happy. It's better when canon matches the props. (Why, yes, I am still annoyed at the whole Remy/Rema/Rena thing. Grr.)


"There's a warrant for your arrest in Louisiana."


"But, officer, it was the only way to pay for medical school!"


"And this is why I stick to chick hookers now."


I really wonder what casual viewers were thinking. Wilson's expression is So Serious Business.


CAN THIS EPISODE GET ANY MORE AWESOME?




SO. MARRIED.
"You told me you'd taken care of this."
"I did."
"First words you ever said to me."
"I took care of it."





"The charges were so minor..."
"Vandalism, destruction of property, assault...?"
"There is a simple explanation." Yes?


"There was a medical convention in New Orleans. I was fresh out of med school. I didn't know anyone at the convention."



The way Wilson suddenly flipped out here, kind of freaked me out.


"There was this guy, playing Billy Joel's 'Leave A Tender Moment Alone' on the jukebox."



GEE, HOUSE. IF YOU LIKE THE COP SO MUCH, WHY DON'T YOU MARRY HIM?


"So, I asked the man to stop. Politely."



"You yelled politely."


"I was polite the first couple of times, but courtesy made no impression on this – ass." MISDIRECT! I totally thought he was talking about House.



"So I threw a bottle into the mirror." Eh, eh?


"Which successfully conveyed my message."
"And smashed a ten-foot antique mirror. And set an example for the other patrons who threw shot glasses."


"I had nothing to do with that fight. The assault charge was totally bogus." LOL LIKE TOTALLY. "And I paid for the mirror!"


"I think I get the picture. I assume you were the guy playing the song."
"Nope, I was the guy who bailed him out."


"That's how we met. I was in jail."



"This guy was a total stranger to you, and you bailed him out?"
"It was a boring convention. Had to have somebody to drink with."




"And there's the foundation of our entire friendship. If you hadn't been bored one weekend, it wouldn't even exist."



"Hey, out of 3,000 people at that convention, you were the one I thought wasn't boring. That says something." And that is how you properly do sappy!House.



And then they dive right back into their very married-couple arguing.



"You have to show up at the arraignment, everyone knows that!"


"Everyone with your misdemeanor experience!"


"You can go."
"What? He's a fugitive from justice! That whole story was lies - he stabbed a man!" I LOVE YOU HOUSE. (DON'T HURT ME, WILSON.)



200 CAPS AND ONLY HALF DONE. I DON'T THINK I DID THIS MANY SINCE "DON'T EVER CHANGE."


On to Part 2