Title Vicodin or Viagra
Rating PG-13
Pairing House/Wilson
Word Count 290
Spoilers 406 - Whatever It Takes
Summary House calls Wilson.



“...Hello?”

“Hey, hey Wilson – Wilson, guess what I'm wearing.”

“House?”

“Wrong! Try again.”

“It's three in the morning!”

“Nope, not that either.”

“What are you talking – are you high?”

“Three strikes. You're out.”

“What did you take?”

“Trick question.”

“House.”

“I'm not wearing anything!”

“...I'm hanging up.”

“Aw, don't be like --”



“Hello?”

“Hello.”

“House? What's up?”

“Not me.”

“Okay...”

“Think I can get a refund?”

“Do I want to know what you're talking about?”

“They should at least pay for the wasted porn.”

“...”

“I mean, if I knew this was going to be a bust, I wouldn't have wasted my time. And money.”

“...You're just messing with me.”

“Only because it's the next best thing after sex.”

“You're probably just sitting on your couch, watching cartoons.”

“I'm sitting on my couch, watching cartoons. Specifically hentai. Naked.”

“...”

“I think I'm getting some lift off. Call you la --”



“What?”

“That's no way to greet your friend.”

“I don't want to hear about your...escapades.”

“Don't worry. I'm done.”

“...”

“Just basking in the afterglow of self-love at the moment.”

“Christ, why are you calling me?”

“Wow, you haven't even seen me, and I'm already your lord and savior?”

“See you? Why would I want to see you?”

“Well, for one, you're still talking to your post-orgasmic friend on the phone.”

“What are you – you - stop it!”

“You know we're going to have to come up with a safety word.”

“Safety --?”

“How about...'Vogler'? That'd kill the mood immediately. Hell, I think it's already working.”

“Are you high or just insane right now?”

“Actually, I'm horny.”

“...”

“Still there, Jimmy?”

“I'm done with this conversation.”

“Don't be a tease!”

“I'm hanging up.”

“I'll be thinking of only y--”