I love Amber, am liking Cameron more each day, and am just fine with Thirteen when she's not David Shore's Mary-Sue. I can (and have) point out all the ways the writers have messed up with the other female characters, but in the end, I can overlook the flaws and enjoy the show.

But then there's Cuddy, who hits way too many of my squicks to the point of distraction.

This is for all the Cuddy-haters who do not hate women, but perhaps have too much respect for them to tolerate this grotesque caricature.


1. No Agency
For a woman who did so well in school and climbed the career latter so quickly, Cuddy as portrayed in recent seasons is allowed a startling lack of agency. She does decide she wants a baby and goes through the steps to achieve this goal--in vitro, and when that doesn't work, adoption. Her attempts all fail, and Cuddy finally gives up. And that's when a miracle baby is dropped into her arms. Would it really have been wrong, or not dramatic or fulfilling enough to see her succeed through her own efforts? When Cuddy returns to work, cutting her maternity leave short, it's because she's forced to, not because she decided. Additionally, for all Cuddy's recent swooning over House, she has never actively pursued him, or done much of anything besides wear sexy clothes and make sad faces.

2. Tragedy of the Working Woman
Cuddy graduated second in her class (and was pissed). She's the youngest Dean of Medicine in the country, and one of only two women. Cuddy's achieved a lot in her life through, maybe some genetic luck, but mostly hard work. But Cuddy is damaged, and her life sucks. Why? She has no man, or a baby, the only true way for a woman to find fulfillment in life! (Yes, there are ways to express Cuddy having a desire for these things as well without invalidating her achievements, but the writing decided to take the offensive route.) Let's not get started on how Cuddy actually sucks at being a doctor. Or how that isn't a source of angst for her.

3. Everything's About Him...
Granted, House is the main character and the world really does revolve around him, but let's stop for a minute and think about the other characters. You can think of something about them that doesn't revolve around or even relate to House in some way. This is where the character of Cuddy is fundamentally flawed--she's not a person unto herself, but an accessory for House. Any new information we glean about her is about advancing her "romance" with him--either that, or babies. Even Cuddy's trademark sexy wardrobe is not so much the "fuck you, I can do whatever I want" to the world of Seasons 1-2, but rather a desperate, "Look at me, House! Love me!" (She never denied it.)

4. ...Or a Case of Baby Rabies
Season 1's "Babies and Bathwater" involves a pregnant woman as the patient (she dies, the baby lives). Cuddy doesn't get involved in the case. Season 2's "Forever" involves the death of an infant. Cuddy doesn't break into tears, even though we've learned she's trying to get pregnant. Season 3's "Fetal Position" is when she takes a 180 into pure hysteria (yes, I chose the word "hysteria" on purpose). She essentially runs of with House's case, and it's quickly apparent she's too emotionally involved. House says the patient should abort, but Cuddy thinks the woman should risk her life to continue the pregnancy and perform fetal surgery. The woman and the baby live (the baby also manages to shake hands with House while in the womb, anesthetized). Don't forget, Cuddy's a poor doctor blinded by emotion--it was simply her woman's intuition that saved the day! (Again, Cuddy can't go around achieving things, with skill.) And in Season 5's "Joy," Cuddy tries to emotionally blackmail the birth mother into continuing her pregnancy. Because nothing else matters as much as babies--not professionalism, or simple human decency.

5. The Misogynists Were Right?
There's nothing wrong with having emotions. There is something wrong with never attempting some semblance of control of (the display of) them. It's just downright worrying and vaguely creepy to vomit inappropriate emotions all over the workplace, professionalism and reputation be damned! But Cuddy's a woman, of course she's going to become hysterical over every sick baby and pregnant woman and insinuate herself. Of course she's going to blatantly "mark her territory" when an employee appears interested in the man she's interested in (but won't dare pursue). Of course she's going to barge into patients' exam rooms to make sure House still isn't taken! Of course she's thinking of doing damage control when everyone in the hospital thinks she's in love with House and it's influencing her judgment. (Remember when Vogler suggested that in Season 1? And she got pissed?) Silly woman, thinking she can run a hospital.

6. I Only Have Thighs For You
Even though House frequents prostitutes, has had at least one major relationship (a marriage, really, for all intents and purposes), slept with a college friend's girlfriend, and is a self-professed cheater...apparently, even House, as the hero of the series, should only wind up with a pure, lily-white virgin. Cuddy's implied to be harboring feelings for House for 20+ years (or whatever, since canon screwed up the timeline further by making Cuddy only 38), and in that time, she has no other relationships. As if that's not enough, she's practically a born-again virgin; although Cuddy says, on her date with Lube Guy, she likes sex, Cuddy--very pointedly--does not get laid. Because she belongs to House, according to Lube Guy. Cuddy is briefly pursued by Mr. Sprinkles (because, remember, she can't be proactive!), flirts with him a bit, but ultimately that relationship is a non-starter. Again, because she belongs to House. (Mr. Sprinkles asks if he should back off.)

[See Cameron also: she may have been married before, but she's a widow (not divorced; again, note the lack of agency), which is practically synonymous with virgin! She valiantly turns down Dr. Sebastian, because she belongs to House. When Cameron's allowed to have sex, she's high. She doesn't get regularly laid until the chances of her being a legitimate love interest for House are long past.]

7. Abuse is Sexy
House is an ass, we all know. But, as Cuddy said in Season 3, House does self-censor. Then, House told Cuddy she'd suck as a mother--but he was also detoxing and was in out-of-his-mind pain. In Season 5, House spends a full episode harassing Cuddy about the adoption and telling her she'd be a terrible mother. When Cuddy doesn't get the baby, House tells her she'd be a good mother. Cuddy calls him a son of a bitch, then kisses him. Erk? I guess we know what gets her off. After Cuddy gets the Miracle Baby, House continues to dole out the abuse, suggesting she just "give back" the baby because of her (entirely natural) second thoughts. Of course, Cuddy's still harboring romantic ideals a few episodes later.

Can we not perpetuate this myth? There's actually a very, very thick line dividing "charming asshole" and "verbal abuser." Cuddy's clothing gets tighter and her behavior more desperate as House becomes more of a special kind of dick (because no one else gets this treatment) to her throughout the series.

8. Every Woman Thinks She Can Fix A Broken Man
Or, "Cuddy thinks she has a healing vagina." No one changes overnight, especially not House--and, according to him, nobody changes ever in a significant way. Maybe Cuddy should be given some credit for realizing, on some level, what a disaster of a relationship with House would be. But she loses the brownie points for thinking not just that she can change him, but that he'll spontaneously transform himself--for her!--and they'll ride off into the sunset. Why is Cuddy surprised to see House talking to a prostitute? (And why is she upset? They're not in a relationship; he can do what he wants with his penis.) Why does she shove her baby in his face, and expect him to come to her simchat bat? And I doubt Cuddy wanted to administer the methadone to House because she was worried about his health--she probably wanted to feel part of the process of "fixing" him.

9. Does She Even Like Other Women?
Although the number of female characters on the show has increased, House is still pretty failtastic in regards to the Bechdel Test. The only time Cuddy regularly speaks with another woman is during Season 2 when Stacy's around. Otherwise? Although she thinks Cameron is a good doctor (and House-wrangler), she doesn't seem to like her that much--especially when Cuddy thinks Cameron may still be interested in House. When Amber turned up, she seemed like what a younger Cuddy would have been like, but Cuddy piled on the hate for her. And although Cuddy was tricked into wanting House to hire Thirteen...well, there isn't really anything to say because she so rarely interacts with her. Was she really all that close to Stacy? Does she have any female friends? (I guess not; that would explain why she's hanging around Wilson all the time.)

Though I imagine not many women want to be friends with someone who only talks about babies and a man she won't even put a move on.