Title Five Ways Wilson Didn't Come Out
Rating PG-13
Pairing House/Wilson, Wilson/Cuddy, Wilson/Chase, Wilson/OMC
Word Count 1,564
Spoilers Some Season 3 references
Summary Five ways Wilson could have come out (or been forced out) of the closet, but more than likely didn't.
A/N I've been wanting to write this one forever. Entertainingly, OpenOffice likes to guess what word I'm typing. For this story, it decided I was trying to title it "Five Ways Wilson Didn't Come Outrageously." That sounds like a fun story. Alas, it's not this one.



1.

It's a typical day at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital; House's patient was dying, Wilson was pulled for a consult, and Cuddy was making her way to Diagnostics to bring House's imminent doom for unknown but probably justified reasons.

“What's the differential diagnosis for an adult male who blow dries his hair?” House asks, almost spitting the words “blow dry” as Cuddy enters. Wilson rolls his eyes; House picking on him while someone's life was on the line was typical. “Besides being Chase, of course.” Now Chase joined in the eye rolling while Cameron and Foreman made a half-assed attempt at hiding their smiles. Which would be a quarter-assed attempt for each of them.

“Is there a point to this, or did you just finally come up with blow dryer joke?” Wilson asks in a bored voice from the corner of the room.

House ignores Wilson's comment and Cuddy's presence as he begins writing on the board beneath the real differential. “Obsession with cooking, liking theater, wearing toe nail polish, befriending the opposite sex, and knowing way too much about the Village People.” Wilson's face goes from white to pink to red; when House puts it like that, Wilson feels very and stereotypically gay. At least he could chalk up the Village People thing to being bored and on Wikipedia.

Too bad no one would ever believe him.

“You know you want to say it – the answer's so obvious,” House goads. Everyone is looking at Wilson, probably wondering if he really is gay, then feeling guilty for being so easily strung along by House. “Does it help if I point out he hasn't had a date in over a year? At least with nothing female.” Wilson wonders if he should speak, leave, or kill House in front of the fellows and his boss. He opts to wait it out, only because he's too mortified to move at this very moment, and attempts to glare at House.

“I think,” Chase begins, and Wilson braces himself, “we should go run those tests.” He rises from his seat first, with Cameron and Foreman awkwardly following him out.

Of course, not before House says, “There's no test for this. You'll have to rely on ye olde gaydar.” Fortunately, the fellows don't acknowledge House's comment, but they do start walking faster.

Cuddy just looks from House to Wilson and back again, then says, “I'll...come back later.” After you two rip each other apart, her posture implies, and Cuddy leaves the room a little too quickly.

2.

Wilson pretends to be paying attention to the movie, but all he can think about is Cuddy's hand on his thigh. Combining that with him being at her house fairly late at night, Wilson is certain that he will be getting laid tonight. He is a little surprised that Cuddy actually fell for the old “just a friend” routine – most women did, but Wilson thought that he had been too convincing, as he had been with Stacy, and made Cuddy think he was gay.

From the way Cuddy is wrapping herself around him, that's apparently not the case. She finally asks, “Do you even know what's going on in this movie?”

“Uh,” Wilson says, trying to play bashful – women go for adorable, “no. Not really.” Cuddy smiles at this. Bullseye.

Just as they begin to lean in for a kiss, the window opens and a cane is tossed into the living room. Predictably, House follows, climbing through the small opening with surprising ease. “House!” Wilson and Cuddy groan in unison at his appearance.

House picks up the cane and makes his way over to the love seat, where Wilson and Cuddy are still holding each other in the vain hope that they can continue what they were doing. House rectifies the situation by tossing his cane to Cuddy, and she reflexively catches it, letting go of Wilson.

“What the hell are you doing?” Cuddy shrieks as he steals a kiss from Wilson. But it's too late. Wilson not only doesn't fight back, but returns the kiss and wraps his arms around House. Very quickly, tongue is involved and clothing is shed, and the two seem to forget Cuddy is there, and that this is her house.

“Damnit, House, you always do this!” Cuddy throws the cane onto the floor and rises from the now-crowded love seat. “Can't I at least have one go before you turn my dates gay?”

They don't break apart, and House doesn't even bother to acknowledge her rant. Wilson makes a small effort to wave Cuddy away. She sighs to herself. “Don't make a mess,” she says and goes back to her bedroom, alone, as usual.

3.

Lizzie was a nice girl. Pretty. Nothing really wrong with her, although nothing was particularly right about her, either. Everyone thought she was a good match for James, who was also nice. Pretty. Kind of boring.

At the moment, however, Lizzie is not nice, with her face scrunched up in a way that is definitely not pretty. It's entirely understandable; any teenage girl (or adult woman) would have a similar reaction to finding her boyfriend making out with her brother.

Needless to say, Lizzie and James the couple was over. She eventually forgave him and they became friends, because James is very hard to stay angry at. She also forgave her brother, who went on to date other guys – ones Lizzie wasn't dating.

James, on the other hand, and his family never spoke of the event.

4.

Wilson is missing. Wilson is not supposed to be missing, ever, because Wilson is always hovering around House. If he's not around, House has an internal Wilson-detector that lets him locate the man whenever he's hungry, in need of drugs, or bored. He scours the hospital to no avail – Wilson is just flat-out gone.

Before House is able to accuse Cuddy of eating Wilson praying-mantis style, she runs into him in the hallway, apparently on her way to see him. “What did you do with Wilson?” She asks in a deeply accusing tone.

“I didn't do anything. If you didn't do anything, I'm stumped,” House says. “Unless he's been kidnapped by one of his exes to either be killed or seduced.”

Cuddy is able to tear her skeptical glare from House for a moment to look into the conference room. “Why is Cameron crying?” Again with the accusatory tone.

“Ooh, let's find out,” House suggests with far too much glee, even for him. He and Cuddy enter the room and approach Cameron's desk. “What's up?”

Cameron looks up at him, eyes red, cheeks streaked with tears, and snot. Lots of snot. She notices this and wipes her nose on her sleeve and makes a very grotesque sniffing noise; Cuddy tries to ignore the resulting swallowing sound.

“Look! Look, look, look!” Cameron demands, waving a piece of paper around. House grabs her wrist to stop the flailing and takes the paper from her. “How could he do this to me?” She resumes her uncontrollable sobbing.

“What is it?” Cuddy asks, trying to read over House's shoulder.

“Wilson and Chase...eloped.” House reads more of the letter – which took some effort, as it was written in Wilson's chicken scratch. “And they've been together for three years. Huh.”

Cuddy turns back to Cameron. “I told you this would happen!”

Cameron cries some more.

5.

“Wilson's boyfriend is here,” Chase says, entering the Diagnostics Department's conference room; Foreman and Cameron look up from whatever off-task papers they were reading.

“Damnit,” Foreman says with a resigned sigh. He pulls his wallet out and hands some money to Chase, who smiles smugly and slips it quickly into his own wallet. Cameron looks at them, confused, and Foreman explains, “I thought Wilson was gay only for House. Chase insisted he was gay, period.” Since he had just lost a bet, Foreman decides not to mention that Chase's gaydar is suspiciously accurate.

“I thought that was obvious,” Cameron says.

“What's obvious?” Cuddy asks; she always has impeccable timing.

“That Wilson's gay,” Chase answers.

“Oh. Well, that's what Stacy always told me.”

“I wonder what House thinks.” This is, of course, Cameron.

“Who's talking about me?” House's selective hearing is quite amazing, considering he had been in his office, listening to his iPod, high, and more than likely asleep.

“We weren't talking about you, for once,” Foreman says. “We're talking about Wilson.”

“You know he's gay, right?” Cuddy asks. Of course House would know; he's too damn nosy.

“I knew right away when I met him.” House takes out his vicodin. “Don't know how none of the Mrs. Wilsons couldn't tell.”

“Well, he finally got himself a boyfriend, so there shouldn't be anymore of that,” Cuddy says with a pleased smile. House looks more interested at this; he dry-swallows an undetermined dose of vicodin and pockets the the bottle.

“Nice gossiping with you all, but I have places to go. People to stalk.” With that, House leaves. Cuddy doesn't even pretend to try to stop him, and none of the fellows pretend to be surprised that she has no control over him.

“Stalk?” Foreman asks the room.

“Wilson has a date,” Cuddy, Chase, and Cameron reply in unison as if it explains everything. Because it does, actually.