Title Foreplay
Rating PG-13
Pairing House/Wilson (Established)
Word Count 495
Spoilers None
Summary House and Wilson become a stereotype.



“No.”

“Come on, House.”

“How many times do I have to turn you down before your ego shatters? Go to sleep and shut up.”

“House.”

“Do it yourself.”

“It's not the same.”

“It's not the same. You lose points for lack of creativity.”

“It's been two weeks.”

“Did you nag your wives this much for sex?”

“I--”

“Stupid question. Of course not. Otherwise you'd still be married.”

“And for some reason I found your emotional abuse so very charming.”

“Damn! My rejection is turning you on.”

“Clearly, to get me to shut up, you have to give in.”

“Well, okay – oh, wait, I see what you're doing!”

“Almost worked.”

“Did not. Make friends with your right hand.”

“Left.”

“Whatever.”

“...”

“...”

“You know, statistically, by not having a TV in the bedroom, we should be having more sex.”

“You know, statistically, only Japanese couples have less sex than American ones.”

“I thought you were all about being different.”

“I was. Then I grew up.”

“If that's true, then why were you trying to grope me today?”

“Duh, you're a hot piece of ass I can't keep my hands off of.”

“...in front of your patient and his family?”

“I was making a point.”

“I'm afraid that point flew over my head.”

“That's why I just keep you around for the cooking. Not so much the cleaning – that's annoying. OCD much?”

“We could have been well on our way to orgasmic bliss by now.”

“Coulda, woulda, shoulda.”

“Yes, all three of those. Unfortunately, no did or doing or any tense of do.”

“Or any of the synonyms: screwing, fucking, copulating...”

“...making love, fornicating, sleeping together.”

“We'd be doing that last one if you'd shut up.”

“We'd also being doing that one if you'd stop stalling.”

“I said no.”

“Now, is that a serious 'no means no,' or a kinky 'no means yes take me now'?”

“It's no as in 'stop keeping the insomniac from sleeping.'”

“Well, if you're not going to be sleeping anyway...”

“Such a one-track mind, Wilson.”

“Funny, I used to say the same thing to you. I think that's false advertising.”

“If I crash my bike or kill a patient tomorrow, I'll blame you.”

“You will anyway.”

“True. But that's beside the point.”

“I think that was the entire point.”

“I thought the entire point was you trying to hump my leg. Which you can't do, because that hurts.”

“Fine.”

“You surrender?”

“I'll just hump some stranger's leg instead. So many sexy cancer patients to choose from...”

“Knock yourself out. Can't catch cancer from sex.”

“Too bad that's not true for herpes. Sucks for you.”

“...”

“...”

“Ha. Cancer Girl joke.”

“Good night, House.”

“...”

“...”

“That was a joke. Right?”

“Yes.”

“Seriously?”

“...”

“Okay. Very funny. You win.”

“House, surrendering? Never.”

“Here I am. Ravish me all you want.”

“I don't know...”

“Oh, come on. You can't get me all worked up and--”

“Wait.”

“What?”

“...was this all foreplay?”

“And you just figured this out?”





And on an even more amusing note: I just caught on to the hilarity that is Dan Savage's advice column. Right after this fic idea started beating me over the head, I saw this: I am a 48-year-old gay man and have been in a committed and monogamous relationship with a wonderful man for 20 years. I am not sure how often people together this long have sex, but for us it is about once every three or four weeks. This is plenty for me, but my husband's libido seems to be getting much stronger than mine. About two years ago, he asked that we add "adventure" to our sex life. He has bought dildos, vibrators, and leather garb and wants me to use them. He wants me to call him fuckhole or slaveboy when we are intimate, and he wants to try nude vacations and three-ways. I should add that my husband is coming up on 40 and is quite the hottie. I, on the other hand, have not aged as gracefully.

Come on, I couldn't help but think "Alternate Universe House and Wilson!" Especially with those numbers! (Even if I don't go for the Hector timeline.)