I swear, I think House actually outgayed Nip/Tuck this week. That's quite a task. House was at his most blantantly flamingly bisexual in this episode (because if you take what he said to the CIA chick seriously, then you have to take what he said to the guy seriously, too).

HOUSE, MD
About three minutes into the episode, we get a Wilson reference: House has stolen his entire lunch today!


"Is that your breakfast?"
"Technically, it's Wilson's lunch."


And some more gratuitous shots of House enjoying Wilson's cooking.



Who the frack is this?


He's House's No.1 fan! And he wants to talk in private.


o_o


False alarm. It's just the CIA. Whew!


"I assume you're going to drop trou at some point during the dance - don't see why I should have to share."


"Who's your friend?"
"We prefer the term 'life partner.'"


Kutner's onto you!


...And then House talks about lap dances. But from who?


But he's not done yet! House is determined to get laid and makes a Village People reference.


Aaaand House just popped a boner looking at the helicopter.


"What a man, what a man..." House's ring tone. Right out of fanfic.


CIA chick finally showed up. After House sexually harassed the guy multiple times already.


"What a man, what a man..." In case you didn't catch that House's ring tone is really gay the first time around.


Continuing the Taub/Volakis subplot (?) from Mirror, Mirror: "Shiksas are for practice."


Kutner, you jackass. I love you.


"Can I have a kid? I'm working too hard."
"I can help you with that."
"If I had two minutes and anti-nausea meds, I'd take you up on that."


"Could be lupus." Actually, Cameron....just no. IT'S NEVER LUPUS. NEVER.


Oh snap! House killed the patient. Almost.


What? I said I love Kutner. His playing with random things replaces Chase's oral fixation.


Cameron and Foreman fight to the death! YES!


Poor Chase. Cameron keeps talking about House. Then they both get pouty. Adorable.


"My safe word is 'help, please please stop.' That's two 'pleases'. Anything less, and you can keep going." Come on, that was funny.


House calls his "valet." For a "consult." If you know what I mean.
...OH NOES. THE EPISODE INFECTED MY MIND. Oh wait, I'm already perverted.


WILSON! Time for gratuitous Wilson shots.


For some reason, even his left-handedness is adorable to me.


"Either you're sprawled naked on the floor with an empty bottle of Vicodin, or collapsed naked in front of your computer with an empty bottle of Viagra." Wilson's not very shy about saying this in front of the nurse.


"Please tell me which, because Chase has another pool going." House/Wilson/Chase. You know it's hot.


Wilson placed his bets on the Viagra. I am glad to say, I did not make that up.


Wilson won't believe him. CIA chick notes "he asks a lot of questions for a valet."


House: "I happen to have a position available on my penis."
CIA chick: "FAIL."


"We've only had one assassination attempt." THERE'S YOUR "NO REASON" REFERENCE. NOW STFU ALREADY.


Wilson calls back.


*dies from cute*


"Did they do a background check?"


"They did a background check on you, they did a background check on your friends." Of which House has exactly one of. Wilson is disturbingly concerned about this. Whatever he's hiding, it must be "personal!"


Wilson denies having been to Afghanistan, but not the heroin.


Imagine walking by and listening to this conversation. Seriously bizarre.


Cuddy comes running to Wilson, again. Shock and awe.


Wilson already knows Cuddy won't believe him.


"He's consulting for the CIA."


"WTF. DON'T LIE TO ME BITCH."


You know, I think Wilson got a CIA-hardon, too.


The way he fumbles the number reminds me of when he was on speed. XD




"HOUSE WILL PAY FOR HIS LIES."


"Okey-doke."


"Why are you punishing me more than him?"


Aww, puppyface.


House is not interested in hearing about the women's "devil dance."


Now it's time House's smooth exit.


...or not.


When did Cameron stop dressing like a little girl? It's awesome.


"Remember when you used to try to kill me? Those were such good times."


His nickname will forever be "The Nutjob." But seriously, that was the greatest twist of all time.


House's Foremancrush rages on. Which does nothing for his heterosexuality.


House thinks he got away without being punished. Fortunately, Cuddy still has some brains left and knows he's a lying liar.


"I know how to kill a man with my thumb!" Funny, when the CIA chick said it, she admitted it was a sexual euphemism.


"SHIT." Speak of the devil.


This is the expression the episode closes on. He doesn't exactly seem happy.



NIP/TUCK
"I'd be happy to do you." Christian rolls his eyes.


Christian feels unloved. Two episodes in a row, he's been this close to crying XD


Does this even need a comment?


Wow, speaking of naked and on the phone...


It's Julia!


More nakedness.


"You're not moving in with your current piece of ass."
".....YET!"
LOL. He reminds me of Wilson: Just completely, and utterly dorky and adorable, even though he's a bastard.


Yeah, he really hates clothes, doesn't he?



Having a Jack Harkness moment?


"WHAT THE HELL? MY PENIS!" Okay, Jack never had that problem.


I just love Christian's expression when she opens her shirt. He sure loves boobs. ("Mommy issues." *snickers*)


I love it when characters randomly acquire glasses. These are so adorkable.


Julia again.


...and Julia's girlfriend. Least shocking reveal on the show.


Christian has a surprise, everyone!


NUDIE PICTURES!


Liz has great reaction shots in this episode. Here's "Oh! My lesbian eyes!"



"What's bare and hard all over? ...ME!!"


I've officially been watching this show too long. It took a few moments before I realized how wrong this situation is.


Who shoves nude pictures of themselves into their friend's face? Christian does, apparently.


"Does this make you feel sexy?" Again, I'm glad to say I did not make that up.


He must really like this picture, because it's the third time he's flashed it.


Christian finds out what kind of people are reading this magazine...






"Gay mafia pride!" Oh Christian, you're so desperate...


While Christian poses in trashy magazines, Sean is on TV every week and gets to be People's "Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelors." Which Christian was rejected from. Ouch.


HELLO, BEARD. This is how many women both Sean and Christian messed with? Julia. Kimber. Julia-look-a-like. This chick....


They're fighting over yogurt. I am not kidding.


HIM HIM HE HE MAN DUDE GUY MALE DANGLER


OOPS.


Liz's "HAHA. Julie has joined the dark side!" reaction shot.


Awkward...But slashers will love Julia's little speech: "I don't know if it's a question of being gay, Sean, I just...fell in love with her." IT CAN HAPPEN, SEE?


"After he impregnated me, I bit his head off." I approve.


Predictably, Christian starts having lesbian fantasies.


Sean thinks that Christian thinks that Julia went gay because of him.


"Dwarf-humping." "Carpet-munching." I LOL'd at how un-PC that was XD (And, hey! Marlowe was hot.)


They pretty much admit Julia's a beard.


"Julia's a dyke!"
"Don't call her that. She's the mother of our children!"


"Carpet-muncher's nicer."
"Beaver-bumper."
"Muff-diver."


"OMG." "OMG." Now imagine that with teenybopper voices.


Then Christian admits he went after Sean's girlfriend because she's Sean's girlfriend. "It's like I'm hypnotized or something."


Okay, this is going to give me nightmares. Especially when they started singing. I didn't even have nightmares over the Carver. *shudders*